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February 7th, 2002

on being grown up

I'm finding that my "priority" list at work is getting a little skewed lately. As in, stuff that should be drifting to the top of it because it's getting more timely and critical isn't.

As in, performance reviews.

I'm still trying to reject my new "middle manager" status at work, like a little kid with his fingers stuck in his ears going "LA! LA! LA! LA!" to avoid hearing something unpleasant. Not only does it add a lot of unpleasant work to my schedule, but that work seems to always fall into two categories, neither of which is a strong point of mine.

For one, I seem to now have the responsibility to pass on information I hear from my own bosses down to my own employees. I don't believe in mushroom- or micro-management, so this is certainly something I am more than willing to do, but disorganization and lack of a rigid schedule on my part means that invariably I miss something, or forget to pass on the week's bundle altogether. Today I got mildly chastised for that by someone who works for me, as in "jeez, when were you going to tell us?

For two, managing people means that there needs to be a clear sense of "leadership" which I'm taking to mean "superiority" over people. And I think my naturally pessimistic and self-deprecating nature makes that very difficult for me. I get that "impostor" feeling, like if I actually started doing manager type things and giving orders and guiding peoples' work, I would simply get laughed at or ignored. I suspect this isn't actually true, but there it is.


He'll sit there all day and say "Do this! Do that!" And nothing will happen. --Harry S. Truman on presidential authority


More stuff to work on, as always. It never ends. Someone likened the process of personal growth to peeling an onion, as in you can keep peeling off layers for a long time and still not get to the core. It just dawned on me that both processes are likely to make you cry, too.

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