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April 25th, 2002

My mom called me fairly late tonight to tell me that my grandmother died today. She was my last grandparent, so I'm down to just one parent in my immediate family.

She was 93, but had been more or less totally senile for almost ten years, and I haven't seen nor spoken to her in about that long. So my sense of loss is not really very great. Mostly it reminds me more about dying and death in general. There's too much death in the world, there really is.

Senile and with low quality of life, she hung on like the stubborn old lady she was, dying only when everything was working against her. It makes me wonder what priorities I'll put on things when I get to that point in life. Seems like I'm awfully afraid of dying, but who knows, if I've lived a long life and the joy and good qualities are mostly behind me, would I be willing to accept death peacefully? I can't imagine that at this point in my life, but I'm not old yet. It's uncomfortable to think about.

I'm not sure when or if I'll be going to a funeral; presumably this weekend some time.

I took the dogs for a walk and they cornered an opossum and proceeded to start tearing it apart. As soon as I figured out what was going on I pulled them off, but I couldn't tell how much damage they'd done. The opossum was lying in a heap and not moving, but of course they "play possum" so I couldn't tell if it was okay or not. They can get nasty when threatened so I wasn't about to go up to it barefoot and with no hand protection just to see how it was doing. I hope it was okay.

Other news: I got two other people to create LJ accounts today. Makes me feel like some kind of drug peddler or something. Free samples, and all.

a prayer

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
And in pardoning that we are pardoned.

on bad days, and things coming in threes

This just isn't a good day, at least so far as death is concerned.

So Kate is supposed to stand up in her best friend's wedding on June 1. Today she gets a call from him saying that they've found out his father has throat cancer, and will be undergoing radiation therapy which should still be ongoing on the wedding day. So now they're not sure whether or not they're going to postpone the whole wedding, or do the civil ceremony where his father can attend even though he'll have radiation sickness, and continue with the big public party/ceremony as planned, or what.

It's sad. Why can't weddings just be allowed to be the happy, planned, no distractions things they're supposed to be. This all reminds me of my own wedding, so brutally altered and twisted out of shape by the September 11th terrorism, which happened four days before our wedding day. It makes me sick with bitterness to look at the pictures we took on September Tenth, all blissed out in the hammock on Block Island, smiles all around, everything going according to plan. I wonder if Barry will have similar bitter memories.

At least his wedding is still over a month away, time enough to think some about what they really want to do. We had to react in four days, and then try to pull together a wedding with guests coming from all over the country with the airline schedules in a total shambles.

And of course, it would have to involve cancer, that evilest of things. And his own father, so he has all that emotion upon him as well as the stress of wedding planning course-changes.

It just isn't fair.

unfortunate priorities

Well, the plan was to see Metropolis (with newly restored footage deleted from Fritz Lang's vision, and an awesome band playing accompaniment to this original of all science fiction films) tomorrow night. Unfortunately my grandmother's combined wake/funeral is Saturday morning, so we'll have to pack up the dogs and head to Chicago Friday night, and stay up there all Saturday, so there goes the movie plan.

It's interesting how with this particular family death, the sadness and sense of loss is just about evenly balanced with the irritation at the disruption of my own life in having to change plans to deal with it.

I feel only a little guilty about that.

It's the same problem everywhere

Personal to struggler: Seems as though you're hardly alone in your perpetual struggle to keep an intact punk band. I saw this hanging in a local coffee shop and had to go back with my camera to capture it.

I just noticed no one has torn off any of the name/number tabs.

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Charley

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